Oh bless the continuous stutter

Of the word being made into flesh.

                     --L. Cohen

Shiva's intoxication Archive


High on life, and other such substances.

Contents

alcohol/sober
alcohol
LSD
high dose LSD
LSD-nitrous-mushrooms
sober
sober
3dg mushrooms
3.5dg mushrooms
2-C-T-7

just a disclaimer, i do not condone (yet neither do i condemn) the use of alcohol for insight or evolution. yet, i cannot lie, or omit info as to my state of mind when i wrote these things. i am phasing alcohol out of my life as i write this, yet every once in awhile i've found that it's let itself in through the back door. sonofabitch must have a key. i will get the locks changed, as soon as i've got the cash. ;)


11-8-97
i went to the beach this morning. my fingers are still frozen and covered with sand. it was after getting drunk and then going for breakfast. it was at 6am. on the way, i decided i was going to take off all my clothes and go running into the surf the moment i got there, but upon opening the car door, i decided that was a bad idea. it was so freezing, but when i saw the sand, and then heard the water far off, i thought that maybe i should. i wound up bounding over the wall there, running across the path through the sea oats. When i reached the beach i immediately threw off my jacket. next went my purse, and then my sweater. it was freezing, but it felt SOOOOOOOOOO good. so pure. i ran to the surf, smiling like a goon the whole way. i squatted down and ran my fingers through the sand. i wanted to marvel at the patterns i was making, but it was all too simple for that. i was just happy and awed, all at everything. nothing specific. nothing metaphorical. nothing poetic. i was just me. and the sea was just the sea. and the sand was just the sand. and as that , it was all just beautiful. i just squatted there and watched as the waves continued to roll up the shore and back to the sea again. i knew they would get me wet eventually, but i didnít care, and i didnít adjust my position. i just sat, and waited for the inevitable. i got doused, finally, the water washed over my boots, and i just laughed at that too. not the irony, not the tragedy of itís parallel to some crazy life sadness. no, i was just laughing....because it made me happy. the water was cold, and it was in my boots, and i loved it. i heard the voices of the people i was with behind me and that made me look around. next i saw the rocks about and eighth of a mile to the north. these enthralled me. closest things to cliffs in florida i had seen. so i ran to them. i broke out in a full hard run. when i got to the rocks, the birds on them scattered. i wanted them to stay, but i knew they didnít like my motion, my disturbing them, so it didnít sadden me. i wanted them to stay, but they didnít, and i didnít care. it was very beautiful. clumsily, i stumbled out on the rocks until i was about 5 feet into the sea. the water was crashing around me, and it was so cosmic. so beautiful. it was so REAL. it was *almost* more real than anything i have seen. i was on the rocks and i was in the middle of the ocean. i felt like the masthead of a ship, with the waves crashing beside me, a beautiful siren, unnoticed by the crew, but caressed by the ocean, and loving of any path that the ship forges. standing there with the ocean so full and vast, i didnít feel smaller, and i didnít feel bigger. i felt equal. to the ocean, to the sand, the birds, the people. to everything. i wasnít one with everything. i was equal. and it was love that made us equal. it was my love for the ocean and itís love for me, that made us one in the same. the water wasnít touching me, but the way it was crashing around my feet, i knew it would when a big wave came in. and i didnít care. i wanted the water to touch me. no matter how cold i would get. i was already covered with sand. my boots, my hands, my hair. soon after i thought that a wave crashed up and splashed me completely with its water. and i was baptized. that water baptized me with my own blessing. i forgave myself long ago, but this morning was my ceremony. i was baptized in the cherishing of the moment of myself. and it wasnít even myself. it was you. and thatís what made the whole thing so beautiful. that i baptized myself by the hand of the Lord, and the love of you. and i was soaking wet. and it was all so beautiful and so happy. and i walked back to my friends, and i put on my clothes and we drove home. and here i am. and still...the feeling hasnít left me.

11-8-97
So here i am, drunk and stuff, and i want to philosophize about the world. And i want to feel like i'm posting it to the world, but really i just want to tell you. But i guess that's telling of the fact that i think you are the world. More specifically, i think you are God. No, i do not think you are THE god, the god of christianity that you worship so faithfully. I think you are the most perfect interpretation of God that i have ever seen. That is why i consider our relationship a religion. That may seem heretical to you. I can see why. But it isn't really. Most people never see a person representing their perfection, so they have to worship a "made up" entity, that they label as God. But you are my perfection. I consent to the fact that you did not create the world. But in some past life you must have created mine. And in some past life i know i created yours. We created each other for each other. SO which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, that's the $64,000 question, right? When we know the answer, we will have the meaning of life, right? No, the meaning of life is the asking of the question, and the figuring it out. When we have the answer, the life will be over. People want their lives to be over, that's why they ask questions like that. It's all very sad. Anyway, I am going to tell you something now that I wasn't going to until you came to Florida, but you probably won't figure out the password until you come to Florida so it's all the same anyway. I am going to become an ordained minister and I will marry us. In fact you should too, so we can marry each other. That's really the only way. We can still have your dad marry us for symbolic and public purposes, but I honestly believe that no one should officiate our union except the two of us. For me at least, because i feel that we are our own religion. I want to know more about how our union gets in the way of your Christianity. That worries me, not for my sake, but for yours. I think it's something we need to talk about. We kinda skipped over it in NY. Because you are my Lord I will do NOTHING to get in the way of your beliefs. I guess I have a very condescending view. That is bad. I know. I need to stop being condescending, but it's hard when you THINK you're right. It's sad, really. I believe that you already believe what i believe, your view is just {squish} condensed. Smaller. Yes, the word I am getting to is *narrow*. I think Christianity is the narrow view of religion. Although correct, narrow. Orthodox Christianity, that is. Maybe I'm making assumptions about your system of beliefs again. I don't know. I just know that i'm rambling and it's going on my web page. Good? Bad? Both, i'm sure. Everything is.


9-28-97
hi, i've been tripping all night. (first confession)
*i wish i was with you (department of redundancy beaurea)
*i wish i knew how to spell
*i wish i knew why LSD became illegal in the first place.
*i wish everything i learn was instantly given to your brain so i would never have to explain everything i do for the next four years cause i know i'll never be able to tell you everything because of my sheer memory capacity. But how can anything go on in my life that i don't tell you about???
*if i sound repetitive, or like i'm answering my own questions, it's probably cause i am. duh.
*i'm not erasing the parts of this that i think are dumb and will look dumb because i know you'll find them funny or something, so i'm just gonna keep writing, unabridged of my though processes. v*i wish i knew what i could study for four years that wouldn't seem like a burden.
*this is not my christmas list
*i wish it was, then maybe santa would see that my wishes would come true, since i am such a good girl...
*i wish i didn't have a paper due in 24 hours that i haven't started on
*i'm sure you wish i didn't feel it necessary to keep you informed of all my idle wishes.
*too bad
*(kidding)
*(i know you want to hear about all of my idle wishes, that's why it's sux cause i could never remember them all to tell you)
*(that's why i'm writing some now)
*i wish you had been online the past couple days, or that i hadn't slept through the times you had been.
*i wish the psychedelic revolution was now.
*you and i will start our own religion, and i will learn how to spell.
*our psychedelic revolution is now.
*we just have to actualize it
*in the form of LOVE
*i know how to love you
*i need to learn how to stop hating other people
*i feel that i would have loved the people who lived in the 60's.
*is that true, or am i just making excuses for my loathing of my peers?
*is there really any difference in the *mindset* of people from the 60's and people from the 90's??? i feel there is. that's why i hate people today, because i feel that people could be so much nicer!!!!
*why is everyone so MEAN???? people should LOVE each other!!!!
*but no, everyone has hidden motives, other agendas, and general stuff that is SOOOOOO important. People make themselves feel important with the stuff they do, saying it's more important than the stuff YOU do. they're more important, they don't have to smile, they don't have the time, you are a speck on their shirt that fucking shirt that got pressed yesterday for a measly $1 at the fucking dry cleaners and THAT is what makes them so fucking important. They have otherpeople do their shit for them, their dirty work. but that doesn't make them better. why do they think that???
*why do they think that????
*WHY DO THEY THINK THAT???? 8::::::(
* i know....not everyone is like that...
*BUT YES THEY ARE!
*everyone has their hidden *social*agenda that makes them higher on their social latter and more acceptable and more likely to be chosen....in any given situation for any given gofer duty that they don't really want to do anyway, they just want to be able to relegate it to some other speck at a later date when they are getting their shirts drycleaned.
*but everyone thinks they're better.
*everyone
*you do
*i do
*everyone does. just on different levels
*you and i think our love is better than anyones
*i think the psychedelic system is better than anyones.
*lauren thinks here illogical *rationale* is better than anyones.
*are we all wrong????
*or are we all right???
*(understand these are all rhetorical questions, save this transcript for discussion at a later date)
*well, obviously some are more right than others....
like me and you
*no, that's biased
*that's wrong
*
*
*BUT IT'S NOT!!!!
*my main conflict is that i am exactly what i am expressing discomfort in the society about.
*that because i think this is right, what i think is right, then i'm better than everyone. but my system says that i'm an asshole for thinking that cause i'm not!
*my contention is that if i were in the 60's this would not be true. everyone would want to LOVE and BE LOVED and there were no BIG people who thought they were so much better than you but
*YES!!!! those people exist everywhere, what, do i think the sixties were some huge era where no one had an EGO?????
*NO!
*more people were working on the whole buddhist non ego thing, so more people were probably *groovy*, but there were probably just as many jerks.
*so i don't like the jerks!
*but i probably am a jerk.
*what conclusions we've come to.
*so i am a jerk.
*but i don't think you're a jerk
*but i know you would like jerks, because it is your nature to like everyone
*(jerks=big ego people wanting to flick specks aside and get their shirts drycleaned)
*so my effort to prove that i'm not a jerk through some other theorem has not worked.
*you can see their good sides and set aside the fact that they are living huge illusory lives and they never see the Big Picture.
*ok, i see that as a flaw in people
*that is why i think all these people are jerks. they are all living in this rat race and PROMOTING IT!!!! and i just can't associate with that. that's why i can't make any new alliances. because everyone to me seems to be promoting the rat race
*I can't relate to promotion of the race
*i shouldn't see it as a flaw that people live under this illusion.
* i should understand that many people may recognize the illusion for what it is ("maya" in sanskrit) and still have to live normal lives.
*one cannot walk around denouncing the rat race
*that is what i expect.
*that is what draws me to people.
*but no, cause even when they're rebelling i still see that as "programmed renunciation" like, normal stages or something.
* i see youth as transitory
*as it well is. great fucking observation
*ok, i see all the values one holds at youth to be impermanent, and subject to change once you realize how stupid you were, ect. ect.
*when you didn't have to worry about bills, job positions, kids, big wig Events, when to pic up your drycleaning.... yes this argument with myself is going in circles...
*i know if you were here you would be saying mad crazy smart stuff that would make all this make sense...or else would just bring it to a tangent
*where it wouldn't matter if the original matter really made sense or not.
*And it doesN'T, does it???
*it just matters that i am still tripping (sort of) and it's like 6 in the morning and i still can't spell and now my paper is due in 23 hours....
*and i'm still gonna write this crazy shit.
*it's kinda like i'm talking to you
*only, no, i'm talking to myself (manifestation of schizophrenia)
*and i'd like to continue talking to you(myself) but that would only help fire the feelings of self destruction i have because i am not doing my paper right now.
*i think all work in this school can still be turned in up to a year later. and you can still pass great and everything
*i think that means i've got a lot of fucking time
*and i don't need to worry about self destruction because not doing a philosophy paper on whether Spinoza was a Cartesian or not is not going to be a deciding factor in my Destruction, if such a thing exists at this time
*THERE IS A HIGHER LEVEL
*and that is what i'm talking about.
*but you're doing it. you're over there doing all your work. just like high school. that sux. that's the rat race. but i forgive you.
*I FORGIVE YOU
*I FORGIVE ME
*for anything we ever do, ever, ever, ever ,ever
*FORGIVENESS is the tool
*DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS FORGIVENESS? YOU FORGIVE THE BAD PART IN EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU SEE THAT YOU STARTED IT (do you get that?? you started it. in everyone. you just did. the roots of every evil in everyone, we've all got those same roots, like Cain, i guess and that was you, in the beginning that did the bad, that started this whole fucking rat race and really, it wasn't your fault, was it? it wasn't), AND REALLY, YOU'RE FORGIVING YOURSELF. AND WOULD YOU NEVER NOT FORGIVE YOURSELF???? NEVER. BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE. EVERYONE DOES. IF WE ARE TO MAKE A MISTAKE IN GIVING SECOND CHANCES, IT MUST BE ON THE SIDE OF LOVE, NEVER ON THE SIDE OF HATE, SO EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A SECOND CHANCE IN EVERYSITUATION. THAT ENSURES LOVE WHEREVER IT HAS THE CHANCE TO BE. THIS WAY, LOVE IS NOT SURPRESSED. LOVE ALWAYS GETS A SECOND CHANCE. no death penalties no fuck off and dies. NO. NO. none of this fucking marilan manson bullshit about hating yourself and wanting to die NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EVERYONE GETS THE SECOND CHANCE EVEN YOU! FORGIVING YOURSELF IS OFTEN THE HARDEST THING BECAUSE ONLY YOU KNOW HOW EASY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TO MAKE THE right choice. but obviously it wasn't. there was a lesson. there was a reason. that all the shit had to go down the way it did. and you know what that reason was??? for this:
FORGIVENESS
yes, it was so you could come to this moment and realize that you could forgive yourself, for whatever you did, because you are only human. and you can forgive everyone else because you are no better than they are and they are no better than you are and you're all stuck in this circle just so you can come back around though all the bullshit to FORGIVE.
so yes, ginni, i forgive you for hating everyone. I FORGIVE YOU. CAPS HELP ME UNDERSTAND AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I FORGIVE YOU. YOU ARE HUMAN. SO ARE THEY. SEE. IT EQUALS. YOU=THEM. AND I FORGIVE YOU. AND THEM.
I FORGIVE YOU (ah hem! i'm talking to you now.....ERIC!)
i forgive you


IFORGIVEYOUFOREVERIFORGIVEYOUFOREVER


I LOVE YOU


YOU ARE MY ONLY CHANCE
well, i'm done now, this has been a huge earthshattering revelation for me. thanks for tuning in. i love you.
6:22 am Sept. 28th sunday.


5-23-98
I saw the blue ball. I saw the place where the music comes from. The spacehog song ďin the meantimeĒ came on after the orb cd. It was mind blowing. The music of creation. The world was created only as each note came to pass. The music works together to take place in the divine play that is happening all around us. This is the original sound Shiva makes with his drum, the Word is made Flesh. We listened to a Christian radio station and it was Amazing. The music was the same. It was divinely inspired. The musicians are not projecting themselves out for you to stroke their egos, they themselves are instruments for the divine word to play through. They are as much observers as the audience is. The music is a woman that is rubbing up the world against her thigh. The music is the dance. It is so whimsical. It is smiling at you, at itself. It is so happy just to be able to play. My entire world had collapsed in the silence before this music came on. My world was destroyed to s single point, completely and totally annihilated. And what came from this point? The music. Front this point issued forth the Word of God, the music of men, the song of life. This is The Divine Play, The Cosmic Dance. Each note is followed by its perfect successor which drops down like a perfect blue raindrop. Each song is telling a different story, God puts on a mask and belts out the story to you, but his smile shines forth through the mask. He delights in everything, but especially in your own delight, and He will wait an eternity for it to arrive. And when your delight arrives, that eternal moment that he waited will become a reality to you, and you will wait there for him to arrive. Waiting is.
april or may of 98
At the Hope Farm Full Moon Festival. This was awesome. Camping,
Crazy Fingers the Grateful Dead cover band, and other bands. We were to leave Saturday morning for the festival that started Saturday night. Friday night my friends and I did Ecstasy, either 2 or 3 pills each and had a great time. Unfortunately we were up most of the night because we had to start late because I had to drive in from out of town. Anyway, we only got about one hour of sleep when we got up the next morning and drove out in caravan style with my mom, my stepdad, and some neighbors. We got there, set up camp, went exploring, had dinner, and right around sunset we met up with Alice D. Right around then the band came on, and things were downhill from there. We weaved our way through the campfires, met with cool people, toked on peace pipes. My friend spotted nitrous tanks across the field with people selling balloons. I had been warned against nitrous, but I told her I'd go stand in line with her, so she could do them. We go, the line is long, and people all around us are blissing out and laughing on the nitrous. We stand there for a long time, and finally she buys two balloons (the deal is 2 for $5) and I'm like, well, I've waited this long, it may as well not be for nothing! So I accept one of the balloons and we inhale it together. I love it! Amazing. It seemed to me that everything became one vibration. There were no sights, sounds, feels, or tastes. It was all one sense. So hard to put into words, but that's the best I can do. After this I was gung-ho on getting a cracker and nitrous cartridges. We spent awhile playing with these. Soon we started peaking, then the band played Bob Dylan's "Hurricane." This had to be the absolute peak of my trip. I was totally overcome with the music. The only bathroom facilities were Port-O-Potties. Yay. I finally have to go to the bathroom right before dawn, when it's the darkest. There is really no woods I can go squat in, so I resort to the shit boxes. It is very traumatic. The thing is REALLY full, and...man. Anyway...it was bad. The rest of the night went on, the band played until 7am or later, and drums went on the background all night and morning long. As the sun came up, you could see the smoke rising up from the dying campfires. We went in tent for the remaining morning hours. The band played on, and every few minutes someone would scream, "It's 6am! Are you with that?!?!?!" Tried to sleep a little, but couldn't get there. I was still tripping. I just stared at the ceiling of the tent and tried to make it change colors and patterns. Finally we got up, ate some breakfast and took part in the smoking of a joint almost a foot long! I did it just for the novelty. As we were packing up, people start walking out of the field carrying mushrooms! Tons of fresh mushrooms. Passing them out to everybody. At this point, I'm thinking, naaaah. I've been awake for almost 48 hour now, I don't need to take MORE. But I rarely get access to mushrooms and I've only done them 2 times before, and only one of those was a successful trip. I decided I HAD to do it. So after taking a small chunk, I went in search of the guy with the stash. I found him and he was happy to supply me with another BIG cap. I munched it down happily and we took off in the car. I wondered if I would even get off, seeing as how i had just had a pretty good dose of LSD (2 1/2 hits). We're driving the hour and a half drive home when it starts to kick in. I become extremely paranoid, my friend is driving and keeps turning around to talk to me, and my friend in the passengers seat. He won't look at the road!!! And he's not the most attentive driver in the first place. Every car seems to be an inch close to us, and he's swerving all over the place. By far, the most stressful car ride in my life. But I dont' want to sound like an asshole, criticizing his driving, so I keep my mouth shut. I try to look at the scenery. When we go over the bridge, I look out over the city and if it doesn't look like an alien planet I don't know what does. I get the feeling of looking out over a bunch of little aliens, driving their transportation devices through the valleys they've cut out in the land. And little towers they build for some reason. It's all so strange, the way humans are acting. But there's only a few alien cities to examine, and my stressful car ride continues to be so.When we finally reach our destination I LEAP out of the car as quickly as possible. He asks if I am tripping yet, and I assure him that I am. The fact of not having slept is catching up with me, and I'm starting to feel very strange. That dry eyed, tripping anyway feeling you get when you haven't slept for a while. I sit down on the couch and try to even my body out. But the room is not ideal for that. The walls start melting, the objects start melting. I'm not scared, but I'm not happy either. It's like I'm observing the trip I'm having. It's interesting. I start having weird visions behind closed eyes when I rest them of bloody ravens, morphing into something else that is also bloody. These visions are totally unconnected to any thought processes I'm having but are very disturbing. I open my eyes, and try to block them out. I lay down on the couch, realize I'm probably having a "bad trip" but still not scared. I start wondering what exactly constitutes a bad trip and start examining my state of mind. As I do this, I begin to feel something strange on my fingertips. A slight pressure on my fingernails, kinda like having your fingers slammed in the car door, but not pain, just pressure. Ok. I wiggle my fingers. The feeling remains, it starts to move down my hand. As it moves down my hand, the place it just went over no longer has any feeling. Not prickly numb. Just NOT THERE. I take my hand out from under the pillow and examine it and wiggle it more. The feeling remains. It feels as if my body is slowing going to Another Place. I reexamine things again. I was having a bad trip a minute ago, and though I'm not scared, I'm certainly not comfortable. I'd like to go to this place that I seem to be going to, not of my own accord. I'm interested in what's there. But I figure this is not the time to make wild astral journeys, when my body is not feeling its best, and neither is my mind. I lay down and somehow force myself to go to sleep almost immediately. The trip is over. I wake up later that afternoon, feeling fine.
6-7-98
I have begun to worship love independent of any form, although more than anything in my life I would love to be united with Eric physically for life, I can worship the love I have for him independent of all else. Even if he told me to fuck off, I could still sit and revel in the pure joy of the love I feel for him. If, in order to love someone, their love must be returned, that is only egocentrical love. That is one person wanting 1.) Flattery--they want eternal reaffirmation that his or her ego/self is stable, the best, most worthy, etc. and 2.) Eternally--they want that flattery forever. I can produce flattery at the blink of an eye with no effort at all. I want eternity and eternity is what I experience when I give my being over to God. God being Love, and Love being what I experience when I behold the fullness of the connection of my being with Ericís. I could revel in the thought of him forever. Itís not about reciprocation. Reciprocation is about ego when it is demanded. (if itís not demanded than itís the most divine play of life. play in itís purest form) and ego is not about love. I love Eric unconditionally--regardless of anything and THAT is God. That is the direct experience of God.
11-7-98
buddhism denies the existance of any abiding self. no, the You that you think of everyday is not god, but your true self, that comes out when you forget about all your forever changing attributes IS God, and everybody has that inside of him/her. to believe that jesus was the only human-god IS a megalomania alert. "here i am, cathie smith, dr. zot, jesus christ, sam jones, at the right hand of god. look at me, aren't i great???" no, this is not the gist of it. we are all at the right hand of god. but not the you that is reading this, not the you that is thinking about this, and not the you that works, talks, hangs out, or reads a book. that you dies everyday, because everyday, every minute, EVERY SINGLE SECOND you change irrevocably and become a new person, which will only die again. that cannot possibly be god because GOD IS INFINITE AND ETERNAL. that is what it is by definition. your true self, the self that never changes, that is god,
be here now,
shiva


4-3-99
Mushroom trip. eyeballed about 3 dried grams. with A on a secluded beach, hidden by woods, away from everyone. started wwith some silent darkeness (earplugs and eye cover) saw lots of lights, somewhat insectlike, some inner music too. The "mushroom" although unseen in complete form, welcomed me, glad I had finally come. I odn't remember exactly what went on there. I didn't ask anything specific though i should have. i should probably write down a list of questions before i start and record the answers on a tape recorder for later recording on paper. the images got a little scary after awhile, black and red and harsh. although the mushroom itself wasn't trying to be scary. once in a while i had to pick up my eye cover and make sure reality was still such.

First Portal


When i got up from the Sd the wind was blowing, the sky a little grey and i was scared shitless, for some reason. ANYTHING seemed imminent. sometimes we would hear the drone of a boat and it would sound like it could be anything, a spaceship, most likely, would swoop in and little guys would get out and who knows? I knew intellectually that they couldn't do anything to harm me cause nuthin can really harm me, but this realization didn't help at all. i was still scared out of my wits. i began to feel alone, desolate and completely separate. A was beside me, "Channeling" vocalizing any sound that spontaneously came from her lips. it wasn't "freaking me out" per se, but it wasn't doing anything to make me feel comfortable. for awhile i just sat there riding out the storm, feeling totally balls to the wall and hating it, really, but i was taking it, trying to find a way through. finally i thought i might have it, i would tap into that undying resevoir of cosmic love within me. wasn't i heartbroken to be unable to find it. it wasn't there. this was devastating. what i wanted to do was run to my mother's arms and tell her how much i love her and let her love envelope me. but she was impossibly far away. Next i wanted to go back to my room, snuggle deep in my covers andt alk to L, my best friend, about it. As my desperation deepened, i began to realize how real my love for L is, how it is as great as any love between a romantic couple can be, even though socially it is different in nature. i became totally in touch with my love for my best friend and i wanted to run home and hug her and tell her. finally i say outloud "i think i have to leave." A asks if her channeling is scaring me and i assure her that's ok, i'm just having my own problems. she rubs my back and continues channeling. i still just want to be home. this intense desire continues for awhile and there was no breakthrough moment when it ended, but as i reveled in the pure love i felt for others, my terror eventually faded. the alien landscape around me morphed back to my beautiful mother earth. during my blaze of terror i also tried to play the didj for comfort, but it would not come alive for me. NOTHING was there to comfort me, i had to go it alone, thats the way the road must be traveled.
"There is a road,
no simple highway
between the light
and the darkest night
if you should go
no one may follow
that path is for,
your steps alone."
when the storm cleared i still felt cold so i lay face down on the earth and let my being take comfort in that, just rest, and feel warm. the mushrooms made me yawn a lot that day and it felt good. as i lay there on the earth, i was not intellectualizing or thinking, but i had the sense that a lot was happening. a lot was going on wiht my body and spirit. i was being worked on, cleaned up, shamanized. Polished, jumbled around, shooken up, straightened out. not all of this has manifested yet but i am sure it will. that night we chanted with some hare krishnas and sang and danced and had a free vegetarian indian meal. it was fun. i had a real Headache and felt naseous. i believe these were physical manifestations of the disarray my spirit was/is in. i feel good now. i am working through everything. in her channeling A talked about a tomb, where i threw/hid some bricks, some soul bricks. i need to get these out. there is no need to hide anything, who am i hiding from anyway? i don't consciously know what i'm still hiding, but i am determined to figure it out. am i still guarding my ego? creating an image? (retrospectively? definitely) i dont' know. but i hope to find out. and i hope it won't hurt, but it probably will. i also had the distinct sense that my body and soul are being prepared for a great spirit to come and reside in it. that feeling was wonderful, but daunting and a bit scary. that definitely means ego dissolution, which is what i want abstractly, what the cosmic "i" wants, but this ego definitely wants something different. It will hold on tooth and nail. ah the search continues....
6-27-99

and then theres that thing that we cheerfully assume that we can never find out, but it felt like i was finding out. i write this as if it's easy to contain myself, sit calmly and meticulously write down each word. a very difficult task indeed.

Portal 2


S & Ty's house.
Present: By, To, D, Br, shiva and S & Ty
Br, To, and shiva take 3.5 dried grams of stropharia cubensis mushrooms
S, Ty, and By take 1 gel tab of LSD
D takes both.
dose: @ 1pm
begin to see carpet crawl, feel world around me begin to tingle, sit on couch, melt into couch a little. To rubs my feet. I am grateful. THen he comes and sits by me and begins talking nonsensically, ranting, Channeling, actually, I realize later. BUt i am full of ego and assume he is and try to understand him. i fail. conversation seems to continue around me. but none of the words made sense. I assumed i was impaired and everyone else could understand it. (this was not the case). To is "hitting on me" starting to try and touch me, i tell tell him to stop. he does, sort of. but continues ranting. the words around me are heavily infused with what gives a person a sense of self-- car, house, job, work, hobbies, habits. it's making me feel shitty, I realize retrospectively, but at the time it was so intense i could barely be bothered with feeling uncomfortable. and this realization, though it wasn't conscious at the time, broke me into the true source of being. fed up with To's nonsensicalness i just dished it right back to him. i let go of any self that might react with confusion or fear. i let go of the need to find meaning. i let go of meaning. out of my mouth flowed--whatever came. creativity and chaos were at their highest. Br began "om"ing. the fan got turned up higher. the living room became a vortex. the sound became real. the word became flesh? toning ensued. Br immitated a didj perfectly with only his endogenous apparatus. Buzzing leapt from my lips. Everything was imminent. Anything was happening. This very same thing that brought me terror on my last "3 gram terror" trip, if you'll recall, is what I became. Rather than witnessing this thing hover, this vortex of chaos/creativity, i jumped directly in it, merged with it, became it. i was the "alien," but of course there was no "I" because i was throwing it out in every instant, creating a new one, chewing it up and spitting it out again. i learned to look at something--anything--give it all my love and attention and then send it on its way. and in this processing of energy i worked through block after block after block. Every movement was release, a flutter of my arm, rustle of my shoulder blade, twitch of the hip, song from my throat. Br continues to "om." By is pulled into the mushroom vortex, even though he only took LSD, he claims to have had a full mushroom experience. Interspersed through all this is laughter. Because we are finding it out. We are it. and we are one. and you look at someone else and begin to laugh in the middle of the tone because....well, the cosmic giggle. as if i ever knew what it was before this experience and as if i know now? why can't i laugh at it now, truly? maybe i can, but i can't explain it--and maybe that's it, that it doesn't need explaining, can't be explain. it can only be experienced. All at once i understood how Finnegans Wake could exist as a work and how it could only exist as a loop with no beginning and no end, and how the writing style that excludes all forms of "to be" and "i" could make sense to use. and i really had NO IDEA about all this before this portal. and i get the suspicion that i still don't. but an inkling as arrived. i want to invoke the ufo. i want to let it go, every bit of it. i want to let go of letting go, and of wanting.
01-29-00

saturday, jan 29. D's place. present: D, B, shiva, and G (friend of mine from omega, who [long story] stayed at my house for a week. love her to death. great connection) dose: 30 mg. 2-c-t-7 [ http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/2ct7/2ct7.shtml ] around 7pm. phenanthylamine. i am the first one to feel the effects. within a half an hour it is coming on pretty strong. open eye visuals. energy that is already in the air becomes visible, sort of thick. nausea sets in. i get up to vomit. can't vomit. this is unpleasant, but not upsetting. i understand that my body wants to purge, and that when it is ready, it will. i warn everyone that i might get up and run to the bathroom at any time. all are cool with that. we start off with reiki, on my stomach, then on G's who has also started to feel nauseous. the guys are not feeling it kick in the way we girls are. G gives D some reiki for some upper respiratory problems he's been having. i run to the bathroom a few times, the stuff is really kicking in now. i greet the toilet and make friends with it. laugh hysterically a little. finally i manage to vomit, but not food or liquid, just bile. once it is out i feel MUCH better. probably a little just before i puked i decide clothes are no good, on my way to the bathroom each item flies off and gets discarded, underwear last as i shut the door to the bathroom and go in a puke. ah that feels Great! G needs to puke. she is not used to puking in any situation, she explains, asks me to help her. i go into the bathroom with her and tell her to make puking noises, that her body will just follow suit. suddenly i begin singing spontaneously. when the song is over, G promptly pukes. we agree it was some kind of purging ritual that obviously worked. the guys are maybe feeling they should be getting off harder, so boost with 5mg. after that, all of a sudden at once we all look around and realize that we reached the same 'level' and are tripping fairly equally. i am naked and feel awesome that way. no one else is, but no one seems to be uncomfortable by my being so and i barely notice for the rest of the time, other than to relish in it and think idly that living in a naked commune might be fun one day. as the peak approaches, intensity builds. confusion becomes apparent. sometimes i think there is someone sitting beside me, when i look on the other side of the room i count everyone sitting there and have to look beside me a few times to be sure no one is there. my sense of direction gets confused, is the bathroom over there or is that the kitchen? the open eye visuals are so intense that they are nearly blocking out the room as it was when i was sober. the trip is not just in my head though, as lsd sometimes is, it is fully in my body and mind. my body and mind are united, my movements are my thoughts, i see the relation of everything to everything. the energy exchanges and motivations of everyone including myself are readily apparent, no matter how deep and hidden the motivations were when sober. this trip is very full of content. finding out what actions and thoughts of mine give clues to the fact that i don't fully trust in the source, that i don't fully forgive myself. definitely showed me where i need to continue working, and that it can be done. music is utterly amazing, have never heard it this amazing before under the influence of any drug. during the peak i also notice a definite alien / entity theme. G and i are on a level of connection which is deep, we can look at each other and know we are experiencing the same trip. one time we are looking around at the energy in the air and suddenly it coalesces in one spot. "did you see that" "yeah." we watch it slither around and go to her. she starts "playing" with the energy with her hands, but is also directing it with her thoughts, these two actions are the same. her chest rises and her mouth opens. it wants to speak through her. "should i let it?" she asks me. she is afraid. it is not bad intentioned, necessarily, but it is not necessarily good intentioned either. the not knowing in itself is a little threatening. i don't know what to tell her. she directs the energy elsewhere. we are amazed. later i am lying on the ground looking up and i see this circular black thing on the ceiling with something protruding from the middle of it. it is vibrating. it makes an energetic connection with my stomach, it wants to "work" on my stomach or something. i am feeling hesitant to let it and scared. not an overwhelming scaredness but a hesitant nervousness. i ask them to look at the ceiling and what is that? the fan, D answers. i want to laugh, but it's obvious that an entity is inhabiting the fan. it's not just the fan. i can barely see the fan, in fact, i can just see this thing. i don't remember now, but i seem to think that G saw this being as well. there was no *obvious* goodness to these entities, hence the hesitance and scaredness. this drug is quite alien. these are my first contacts with entities. i have hair extensions in my hair and they are getting in my way. i ask for scissors to cut them out and then mention that i will cut off all my hair. everyone argues. cut off your hair? i cannot understand their logic at the time. it's just hair. i was totally detached. if someone had handed me clippers i would be bald today. later i realize that my armpit hair is some image thing which is just to be a hippie or something. i ask for a razor to shave it off. D gets me a disposable razor and shaving cream because i ask for it and i smear shaving cream and start pulling the razor across my underarm. as soon as D realizes that i am pulling a very dangerous thing across my skin he promptly takes it from me. crisis is averted. i have shaving cream all over me and go out to the living room. dancing is divine. the world around me is a "book" so to speak, telling me things i need to know, occurrences in my life, important things to me. stuff i did, but didn't think hard enough about finally hit me. but the people who are acting out this play don't realize it. they are just saying stuff they normally would say but somehow my mind is interpreting things as if the universe is telling me specific messages. we find out later that supposedly women react much more strongly to this drug than men, hence the men having to boost to achieve our level. i try to play the didjeridu during the peak because i suddenly hear the didj in my left ear, and sort of space the didj is playing in. it is calling me. but i cannot while peaking. my train of thoughts is not a train at all, but totally disjunct. attention span is short. start playing, need water, go to get water, forget what i'm doing, etc. as the peak declines, didj becomes possible and is AMAZING, all three lay on the ground beside each other and i go from person to person, the didj does its stuff and i just follow along. it is in total control and doing a fine job. the guys writhe in enjoyment. G is more still. we end just laying together on a blanket on the living room floor, together, tired, reminsicing all the weird, fun, crazy happenings of the night. B gets a headache at the end and i offer head and neck massage / reiki, turning into back massage. whoa! totally amazing. my mind is still blown. i am tempted to say this was my most intense psychedelic experience. it is definitely in "competition" with the mushroom vortex i experienced last summer. the entities esp. intrigued me. integrating this experience is happening still and probably will for awhile. it was hard, it was intense, it was also very blissful. it was that dose which was just a little more than i could handle, which i felt was best because it didn't leave me sitting there enjoying it, but rather put me on a roller coaster which i kind of had to navigate. so interesting, challenging, and awesome.